Out Of My League:
The Caveman's Ten Sexiest "Famous" Women In America
The Final List: July 19, 2008, 12:01 a.m. PDT

By Ray Gordon

Introducing The Caveman's Ten UNSEXIEST Famous Women!
(Coming Soon!!)

Click Here To Go Straight To The Sexy List

Once upon a time, a LONG time ago, I was tall (still am), young (no way), handsome, built like a tennis player, and lived in a high-rise apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC) that now rents for about $7,500.00 a month. I had a quarter-century more of a future ahead of me, and the ability to do things in the pursuit of women that I couldn't even consider today, like outskating MTA buses in traffic at midnight on a Friday (25-30 mph was required for this), with enough spare time to change into my sneakers, toss my skates into my backpack, and look cool when the girl's bus arrived after we "departed." I was college-bound, and had just about everything a young man could ever need to attract the world's most beautiful women, or at least not get laughed at by them. In short, I had my day.

Fast-foward to today: I'm forty-one years old, overweight, losing my looks, and, while I pay my bills, my age peers have gone on to become millionaires and even billionaires, and are the few older men who aren't defaulted into the creep category, as most sexy young women do for men my age who are not rich or famous. This is not theorizing, as I've seen young women use the c-word on men my age, while lusting after rich, famous movie stars who are a decade older. Regardless, we are allowed to choose whomever we want, for whichever reason we want, and the inescapable truth is that a guy in my present situation isn't going to do as well with the women on this list as the one in my situation back in the 1980s, when I not only could hit on the sexiest women in America, but did, and occasionally even succeeded at it Now, however, the game, at least at the championship level, is over for me.

While I do my best to accept my reduced desirability to women, this little list I began compiling in 2005 for other reasons (mostly as a traffic gimmick) took on a bit of a life of its own, as I began taking it more seriously, trying to include women who were actually sexy. This year, I felt proud at having "scooped" the major lists when 2005's #2, Megan Fox, became this year's #1 on one of the big-name lists. The #1 from that year was a soap actress who is still going strong and just as hot. Last year's #1 (the contortionist who shot a bow-and-arrow for a bullseye with her feet while upside down) got no arguments from anyone, while last year's #4, a 15-minute celebrity named Emily Hendricks, actually found my page and noted that she was "number four on some guy's hot list!" So sorry she had to settle for being on my list instead of "some magazine's."

These "sexy" lists have always annoyed me, because, let's face it: the loser guys who write these lists will never have a chance with the women they list. It's like those guys in the mailroom who argue about which supermodel they'd choose, as if they'd ever be given the choice. I'm sure the women I list are happy that "some guy" thinks they are hot, but I cannot help but think that they might even consider it an insult when I spot them yet Maxim or the other lists overlook them. Megan Fox didn't come to any list party for me in 2005, but I'm sure she noticed this year when she topped the "real lists." It is in that same spirit -- knowing that someone is overlooked or about to make it big and do it sexy -- that I often include lesser-known women, or those with obscure talents and/or followings. Unlike other lists, I don't care if they are known to all, only that they have a steady and extremely loyal fan base of men who find them as incredibly hot as I do. Just about every woman I've ever listed in the last four years has met ths requirement.

Retiring The List

It was the ridiculous process of awarding the top spot for the updated 2008 list that drove me to retire it. In order to decide which of the two women was sexier, I had to determine which of the two I would choose if given such a choice. At first, all I could do was picture the two women in question dying of laughter, but after that, I realized that my future lay not in this list, but in the unsexy list. Simply put, an eposide of The Bachelor with me and the ten women on this sexy list would have to be structured so that the goal is for each woman to be eliminated as early as possible, with the loser getting me, and maybe a few million bucks as an incentive.

This year, I merely hope that these ten women take their placement for the compliment it is intended as, and don't get too down over the fact that I'm not a big magazine or website with a list they mght actually care about. The women listed here are those who are known to at least some of the public (some are very famous or will be), and who, as I said, are those I believe actually are the sexiest among their peers. That Maxim and the other lists might be a few years behind me in finding their quality is not something I can help. With the unsexy list, however, my reduced status is perfect, because I can share with the world the list of famous, supposedly sexy women that even I would turn down if they wanted me. Now THAT has potential!

The Final List

The final list emphasizes talent more than anything, though looks are still required. Without further ado:

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